"When adults are asked about the most unhappy or stressful time in their life, they usually pick the teenage years." I was twelve years old, actually two weeks before my thirteen birthday, when my father passed away. Eric Erikson's eight stages of life tell me that I was in the stage of Identity vs. Identity Confusion (12-18 years of age). I've spent my whole life trying to find my identity and my self esteem. When conflict arose, I went into hiding because I didn't have healthy boundaries. I did not know where to draw the lines.
When my ex-husband was three years old, his mother had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. He was sent to live with his aunt and uncle who lived out of town. Eric Erikson calls the stage between eighteen months to three years the stage of autonomy vs shame and doubt. "Anyone around a two-year-old knows that child's favorite words: "no," "my," "mine," "I." Reflecting on the possibility that my ex-husband had been so severely hurt at age three, I could see the possibility that he had not been able to grow out of the stage of "I". I began to look back on his behavior and see him as a three-year-old throwing a temper tantrum and how everything revolved around his wants and needs.
The journey to forgiveness began when I searched deeper for the why. I will never fully understand the why but at least I could forgive and move on in life. By not hiding my wounds but opening them up to be examined, I allowed my wounds to heal. I have become a wounded healer.
